On my birthday last year (August 24, 2011), David and I became grandparents for the third time. Our daughter Alyssa and her husband Noah had been encouraged for several months to consider foster parenting with the supposed end result of adoption, through Lucas County Children's Services (http://www.co.lucas.oh.us/index.aspx?nid=131). Just days after they completed an extensive training program, a precious 8-month-old girl, Savannah, was placed in their home.Of course, we were all thrilled. At the time Alyssa and Noah took her in, Savannah was the equivalent of an over-sized newborn baby. Born two months prematurely, Savannah had been born with the effects of drug use as well as having obvious symptoms of neglect during her lifetime. But her beautiful eyes and her winning personality soon captured all of our hearts. Her appearance at Ian & Shelby's wedding took many of our friends and family members by surprise since we hadn't shared the news widely (abiding by LCCS foster-care rules).
By the holidays it seemed evident that Savannah would not be returning to her birth family. As expected, her birth mother was making little to no progress on the reunification plan. Alyssa and Noah had been told early on that they had been chosen as Savannah's foster parents because this was the probable outcome. The birth mother was given by the court six months from placement (2/24/12) to straighten up and fly right.
That didn't happen. Nor did the expected parental termination. Some people obviously understand how to play the system. My kids apparently have never learned these skills. What they had learned over those six months was how to become parents to Savannah. She had been blossoming under their care. She was going to regular play groups with other foster children. She learned how to walk; she learned how to trust; she learned some basic sign language. She is thriving physically, emotionally and developmentally. She has a wide network of grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who love her dearly. (Look at this face ... Can you blame us?)
But evidently none of that matters to Lucas County Children's Services. What apparently is important is that she is placed in a home that wants to take her and a brother that she doesn't even realize she has. Yes, after losing Savannah, her birth mother conceived another child. Alyssa and Noah were offered the "opportunity" to foster this unknown new baby, but realized that this could quickly become more responsibility than they could handle. They respectfully declined.
Finally, on June 19, a hearing was set to finally terminate parental rights, four months after the original deadline. By this time, the new baby had been born and taken in to LCCS custody, but placed with another foster family. Alyssa and Noah continued to believe that their bond with Savannah and the fact that she didn't know this baby (nor any of the nine *additional* siblings and half-siblings that her birth parents had assembled over the past few years), might carry some weight with the court. However, on June 18, a special hearing was set without benefit of the presence of social workers who had known of the situation with Savannah over the past 10 months. In that brief hearing, Alyssa and Noah were effectively stripped of all of their rights as foster parents and potential adoptive parents.
On Wednesday, July 11, Savannah leave Alyssa and Noah's home. She will have her final visit with her birth mother. And then she will be placed in the foster home that is currently hosting her "brother."
This is so wrong on so many levels. Over the past three weeks, an 18-month-old baby has been tossed back and forth between two homes. She visits a house where there are other children and adults who are strangers to her. She has NO idea what is going on. Of course she seems OK for the moment, since after these visits she is returned to the home she *knows*. But when she returns, she is suddenly attached to a pacifier she hasn't needed for months. She cries uncharacteristically. She's clingy and doesn't want to deal with anyone but her mom and dad. Have you ever dealt with an 18-month-old? What child at that age wouldn't react this way?
However, at this point, barring some kind of a miracle, Alyssa and Noah are only going to be her "Mom and Dad" for two more days. What is going to happen to her when she's no longer returned to the place where she learned about love and trust?
LCCS says they are looking out for the best interests of the child when they place "siblings" together. They are ignoring the obvious here. Yes ... some day, Savannah will want to know about her birth family. No one with any sense would deny her that information. But that does not mean she needs to be placed with them NOW. They have forgotten that the best interests of a child include being raised by people who love her. People who have grown with her. A couple who deeply want to have a child. Even if it's only ONE child.
I am sure that Savannah's new family are good people. I have no doubt that they mean very well. Certainly, not many people who take on the responsibilities of foster care are bad (although we do tend to hear about the bad ones more often than the good). They'll learn to love Savannah--she's easy to love. But they don't *know* her. They don't understand what she's been through. They will love her infant brother, but I doubt they can possibly bond with Savannah the way that they can bond with him, and I'm sure they won't bond with her like Alyssa and Noah have done.
Our entire family is grieving right now. This is a different kind of grief than any of us understand how to deal with. When someone is sick, or depressed, or even dying, people tend to know what to expect and how to act. But this is uncharted territory. How do you comfort someone who is going through this kind of sadness? I haven't figured it out yet so I certainly don't expect anyone else to do it.
I haven't given up hoping and praying for that MIRACLE, and I won't until I see her leave on Wednesday. But at this point, I'm resigned. It will probably happen, and my heart will definitely break at that moment. Prayers have not produced the result we hoped for. I keep remembering Father Tim, of the Mitford books, praying the prayer that never fails, "Thy Will Be Done," and try to take heart. Not that it's easy. This week, I'd like *my* will to be done. And I don't want to settle for anything else.
I would like to thank each and every person who has reached out to us in the past month. Family, friends, church family, co-workers, Facebook friends ... many people have supported us in many different ways. And we have appreciated each one of you and the sincerity with which you have offered your thoughts. It's been very difficult to respond to all of the messages, emails, texts, phone calls, letters, and more. Like I said, it's been emotionally charged and extremely complex. I would like to respond to everyone individually but I will probably forget some of you ... please know that I love you all and even if I forget to say thanks at this time, I will NOT forget your kindness to our family.
David and I are going to Toledo tomorrow (Tuesday) night to spend time with Alyssa, Noah, and Savannah. I am taking a child-sized prayer shawl that I've been knitting for the past couple of weeks, and I hope her new family will respect that and share its story with her. Your thoughts, prayers, and personal messages to us and to them will be appreciated and remembered always. If you would like to contact Alyssa or Noah, please message me through the comments or via email, and I'll send you their email addresses.
Thank you.
Marsha & David,
Alyssa & Noah
Arianne, Chase, & Peyton
Ian & Shelby
Stuart
and Savannah
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